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Tonight is amazing, all of you here are amazing...
2006 made 2005 (which seemed to be full of nuff-nuff songs) look like 'champagne concours.' Camel toes, comedians singing, singers comically bad and a faux-heavy metal act which swept all before it. Has ESC jumped the shark? Or is the worst yet to come?
| Fools of the Night | Call Me Now | Crack up of the Night |
|---|---|---|
| No shortage of fools - some deliberate like Silvía Nótt & LT United and then there was Daz Simpson. The fool of the night must be Latvia's lil book-cum-robot. "Don't ask me what the automaton was about, this is the Eurovision Song Contest...for goodness sake: What's the automaton? what's that got to do with anything?" (Wogan) |
Dima Bilan may have only worn a singlet but he made it count, by adding his two digit code to the singlet in texta for both semi and grand final. Great reminder.
Expect to see phone numbers on clothing all over the place in Helsinki - and for the EBU to ban it for '08 and onwards |
Move over Amazing Grace, here's Amazing Maria! Sakis was a brilliant host, but every second word from co-host Maria Menounos was...
She's amazing. / Isnt she amazing? / What an amazing night. |
| Nil Pointe | The Only Rule: There are no Rules | Fashion Faux Pas |
|
Eurovision's greatest fan - Malta comes undeservedly close with a solitary point cortesy of Romania. If it was the worst song of the night that'd be OK - but it was up against Israel, Spain, Moldova, Denmark and Latvia, all of whom deserved to be caned.
A few EDU editors were in Valletta a fortnight after the contest - they still had fliers up everywhere advertising the public Eurovision parties (and this was after ample reason to go rip them all down). ESC - treat Malta properly. Make it part of the Big Four! | The saga of the last tilt by Serbia-Montenegro will be up there with Portugal's Carnation Revolution in the political history of Eurovision. After Serbia spat the dummy over Montenegro's stacking of the votes at the national finals, the EBU had to accept the broadcasters could not agree on an entrant.
OK, fair enough - you pulled out of the contest. Who said you could vote?! Just ridiculous! |
A battle royale for worst outfit in '06. Andorra's back-up singers certainly get the Paris Hilton Encouragement Award. The Barbara Dex went to Portugal's Nonstop who also featured camel toe (front bum cleavage).
However, EDU could not go past the reverse strip of Natalia Gordienco who went from next-to-birthday suit to a skanky wedding dress and back. How many VD's rhyme with Loca? |
| FINLAND | Lordi | Hard Rock Hallelujah |
|---|---|---|
 |
Comments: | A heavy-metal track about angels and demons rockin' on - best described as Hillsong's Youth Corps ripping off Wig Wam from last year. Superb costuming - the wings and pyrotechnics from the axe/microphone were great AND they sang in tune. |
| place | 1st | |
| score | 292 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Estonia | |
| RUSSIA | Dima Bilan | Never Let You Go |
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Comments: | 'We're dancing on broken glass', surely not a political comment about Russia! One of the better pop entries this year, good beat and catchy lyrics. Well sung, interesting stage show with the ballerina hidden in a piano and Dima's voting number on his singlet (a trend for next year). Greek-style to the sound and a touch of the Sakis to Dima. Home-crowd enjoyed. "Where's his Monaro? Bogans and ballerinas" (Loukia, EDU associate) |
| place | 2nd | |
| score | 248 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Armenia | |
| BOSNIA- HERZEGOVINA | Hari Mata Hari | Leijla |
 |
Comments: | Not just another Zeljko Joksimovic (Serbia '04) rip-off - this one is written by Zeljko Joksimovic. Amazingly Zeljko's magic struck again. A lovely song, but slow and perhaps too subtle instrumentation. (And do we hear a touch of Vangelis from Blade Runner?) |
| place | 3rd | |
| score | 229 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Croatia | |
| ROMANIA | Mihai Traistariu | Tornero I Will Return |
 |
Comments: | Combines elements of Nusrat Ali Khan, mid90s dance beeps and the mangled English one expects from Romania. Much better than average and a high placing for Romania's two years on the trot. |
| place | 4th | |
| score | 172 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Moldova | |
| SWEDEN | Carola | Evighet Invincible |
 |
Comments: | Basic Swedish entry: sounds like an updated ABBA without the soul. Carola bounds out the cliches, while the song goes nowhere. Basic arrangement suits showcasing her voice, but nothing amazing. Tight, gold pants on over 40s - not a great look. "A fine lump of a girl - trousers of kitchen foil, not a girl who believes in standing still in the force of a gale." (Wogan) |
| place | 5th | |
| score | 170 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Finland | |
| LITHUANIA | LT United | We are the winners |
 |
Comments: | Others have described this as plagarising the childhood taunt of 'nyer-nyerny-nyer-nyer.' Cant disagree. Total rubbish, but self-referentially amusing rubbish. An hilarious, fun-filled performance with a huge amount of balls. |
| place | 6th | |
| score | 162 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Russia | |
| UKRAINE | Tina Karol | Show Me Your Love |
 |
Comments: | If Ruslana did vocals on a Soft Cell cover of a Topol song it may sound like this. Original version (I Am Your Queen) must have been translated from Ukrainian by the Googol translator! "Dont worry babe, love you so much." New lyrics by 2005 host (DJ Pasha) are a vast improvement. Tina is very cute - esp. in the video with the tie, cap and the sort curls. Like Elena in 2005, a good stage show got this banal song higher than it may have deserved. |
| place | 7th | |
| score | 145 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Russia | |
| ARMENIA | André | Without Your Love |
 |
Comments: | Exceptionally catchy chorus and ESC voters are kind to debutantes - but the rest of the song is quite dull, though studded with lots of cool strings and drums of the Caucauses! We wondered whether Andre would pluck the mono-brow for the Big Night, but no! The tapes made famous by Sertab and made cliche by Tose Proeski were inexplicably back! |
| place | 8th | |
| score | 129 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Russia | |
| GREECE | Anna Vissi | Everything |
 |
Comments: | Basic structure designed to emphasis Anna's vocals, should appeal to classic Eurovisionists. Dyed-blonde, mutton dressed as lamb - arms swinging all over, totally over the top |
| place | 9th | |
| score | 128 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Finland (as Cyprus didnt qualify) | |
| IRELAND | Brian Kennedy | Every Song Is a Cry For Love |
 |
Comments: | It's slow enough to be a traditional Irish folksong - but they usually suck you in with a good story and make you wanna sing along. This does not. Toilet break time. "Every drink is a cry for help" (Rod, Editor) |
| place | 10th | |
| score | 93 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Lithuania | |
| TURKEY | Sibel Tüzün | Superstar |
 |
Comments: | Donna SummerStar more like! Very tawdy late 70s throwback with very weak vocals, expect the live performance to underwhelm. / Sibel had the appearance of a lovechild of Miss Piggy and Angela Bishop - and the act looked like it needed either a horse or a trapeze. "I should not super-size / Look at my thighs! / Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for lunch?" (Al, Rod & Mel) |
| place | 11th | |
| score | 91 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Bosnia-Herzegovina | |
| FYROM | Elena Risteska | Ninanajna |
 |
Comments: | Once you're past the US-rap apeing intro, it becomes a typical Greek-style entry. Big vocal, some strings behind a thumping bass, with a good dance tune. Basically playing to a home crowd, bonus from the live audience may have convinced home viewers its less lame. Elena's chest looked like two creme caramels on saucers. "Last year was a kind of navel year, this year the legs have it." (Wogan) |
| place | 12th | |
| score | 56 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Bosnia | |
| CROATIA | Severina Vuckovic | Moja tikla My High Heel Shoe |
 |
Comments: | Croatian folksong gets a 21st facelift, but still sounds like an 80 year old could be singing it. Slightly infectious, and fun to sing along with "Shits Shits." Curse you, Zeljko! You started this. Peak-a-fanny dress, lots of energy and stomping with the old folk backup musicians looking happy to be in Severina's latest video. "Her smile's been stretched, but she hasn't gone far" (Simon, EDU associate) "Its a shout-a-long - much more fun to sing along with than listen to...oh, I thought that prop [her dress] was getting in the way." (Wogan) |
| place | 13th | |
| score | 56 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Bosnia | |
| NORWAY | Christine Guldbrandsen | Alvedansen The Elf Dance |
 |
Comments: | It's a little Secret Garden 'Nocturne' with a nod to Enya and a faster beat. If 11 years is long enough for folks to forget, it could do well. Pleasant on the eye and not a skank... a rare combination in 2006. "Blonde Corrs" (Loukia, EDU associate) "Six lithen lovelies all in white - now, there's a surprise." (Wogan) |
| place | 14th | |
| score | 36 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Finland | |
| GERMANY | Texas Lightning | No No Never |
 |
Comments: | Jane Camerford (Australia's very own) has written the perfect Eurovision song, cheery but poignant, up-tempo with a key change and we know (ESC 00) that Europe loves Country and Western. No change from National Final or video, which underwhelmed as the vid got quite a bit of airplay in Europe. Not gimmicky enough in this year of our Lordi. "Is this Athens, Georgia?" (Wogan) |
| place | 15th | |
| score | 36 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Turkey | |
| LATVIA | Cosmos | I Hear Your Heart |
 |
Comments: | Hmm... a boy band doing a capella (with one beat boxing). A 'brave' selection. Does the robot count as a 7th person on stage? Disqualify them just in case. Gawd-awful.
"It sounds like the waiting room at the veterinarians" (Loukia, EDU associate) "Don't ask me what the automaton was about, this is the Eurovision Song Contest...a capella, they'll probably come last... for goodness sake: Whats the automaton, what's that got to do with anything?" (Wogan) |
| place | 16th | |
| score | 30 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Russia | |
| SWITZERLAND | Six4One | If we all give a little |
 |
Comments: | Pre-produced committee-written ballad full of cliches and Pop Idol moments. Switzerland, the lesson of '05 was 'import the SONG' not the SINGERS. Of we all give a little to the Ralph Seigel Retirement Fund, do you think he'd promise to stop writing these? |
| place | 17th | |
| score | 30 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Bosnia-Herzegovina | |
| DENMARK | Sidsel Ben Semmane | Twist of Love |
 |
Comments: | The Twist is not the first music style you'd expect a Dane of Muslim heritage to perform. This went down very badly. No non-neighbourhood votes. "That's the twist, but not as we know it" (Wogan) |
| place | 18th | |
| score | 26 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Finland | |
| UNITED KINGDOM | Daz Sampson | Teenage Life |
 |
Comments: | 'Brick in the Wall'-esque kids' voices looped, a 30-something rapping about teens' troubles, the strings from Gangster's Paradise lifted... it's all just a bit too Boyzvoice to take it seriously. Creepy. Old guy lopping about the stage surrounded by women in school-girl outfits. The Gracia of 2006. |
| place | 19th | |
| score | 25 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Finland | |
| MOLDOVA | Arsenium & Natalia Gordienco | Loca |
 |
Comments: | How many words rhyme with Loca? (Poker and choker, at least) Counting may be a good way of passing the time during this four note piece of rubbish. Natalia continues the camel toe theme. Arsenium is Moldova's answer to Robbie Williams (ex-boy band member going solo)... would you believe the Trans-Dniester's answer to Robbie Williams? 'Reverse strip...1800 Moldova. Moldova Now' (Loukia, EDU associate) |
| place | 20th | |
| score | 22 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Romania | |
| SPAIN | Las Ketchup | Bloody Mary |
 |
Comments: | Multi-textured, ground-breaking and unique - Las Ketchup produce a Spanish entry which is almost listenable and not full of cliched strings. Off-tune, stage show looked like it was organised in an Officeworks for about $150. Woeful - even the butch girl lifting one of the off-key sisters didnt arouse any interest. 'A Spanish wink - a Dutch wink, but hairier' (Simon, EDU associate) |
| place | 21st | |
| score | 18 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Romania | |
| FRANCE | Virginie (Virginie Pouchain) | Il Etait Temps |
 |
Comments: | Lacks the funk of 'Vous C'est Nous' but Africa still lingers in the drums and guitar. A haunting lyric which really does suit Virginie's voice. Virginie needed to move, or have some African musicians behind her plus a cool dancer. Way too dull and her stylist stuffed up big time. "But its the same song the French have been singing since they hung the washing out on the Maginot Line." (Wogan) |
| place | 22nd | |
| score | 5 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Turkey | |
| ISRAEL | Eddie Butler | Ze Hazman |
 |
Comments: | Israel has some deep troughs between their peaks (Dana, Tal Sondak, Shiri Maymon) and Eddie is really, really deep. Sounds like Hillsong branching into Judiasm. Unless the stage show is amazing - this could be a nil pointe! "They didn't sound all that together to me" (Wogan) |
| place | 23rd | |
| score | 4 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Russia | |
| MALTA | Fabrizio Fanbiello | I Do |
 |
Comments: | Repetitive dance track reminiscent of several previous ESC entries (think Jemini or Charlotte Nilsson to the beat of Fame's 'Give me your love'). Fab looked a bit like the offspring of Bela Lugosi and the Count from Sesame Street. "You've got four dancers, for whom modern dance stopped about 30 years ago." (Wogan) |
| place | 24th | |
| score | 1 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Switzerland | |
| POLAND | Ich Troje ft Real McCoy | Follow My Heart |
 |
Comments: | The exact opposite of Ich Troje's last effort; over-complicated, fast-paced, electonic, dancey (and utterly unconvincing). The Cher/Olsen Bros 'voice warbler' returns! . The Real McCoy appears to us to be the love-child of Pete Hellier and Mike from BB. "Sonic the Hedgehog gone green" (Simon, EDU associate) |
| place | 25th | |
| score | 70 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Finland | |
| BELGIUM | Kate Ryan (Katrien Verbeeck) | Je t'adore |
 |
Comments: | A Swedish dance track in English with a French title: the essence of the Euro. Modern pop (rare this year) could be a point of differentiation. A good track - facile and boring after a few listens - but Europe only needs to hear it twice. Orange dress, orange skin, fellatio on the neon mikestand...yerk! Like the song says "Anyway you want, I'm yours". Bookie's favourite in a 14,000 euro dress and she doesnt qualify... remarkable, if not quoteable! |
| place | 26th | |
| score | 69 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Armenia | |
| ICELAND | Silvía Nótt | Til hamingju Ísland Congratulations Iceland |
 |
Comments: | Basically an awful sounding song, born to be a TV advert jingle. But the lyrics are very funny and clever (as long as people go in for self-reference). Funny stage show may engage the audiences at home and get this one quite far. The 'lady' made far more of an impression talking - slagging Greek organisers as amateurs and saying she'd witnessed Carola from Sweden shagging EBU Executives (and many failed to realise she was taking the piss). |
| place | 27th | |
| score | 62 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Lithuania | |
| ALBANIA | Luiz Ejlli | Cold Fire Zjarr E Ftohte |
 |
Comments: | The rip-offs of Zeljko Joksimovic (Serbia '04) continue. Early tip to be Albania's worst result to date. He looked like he was looking for Malta's stage show, the backup great-uncles looked they wanted to be part of Croatia's act. A mess. |
| place | 28th | |
| score | 58 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Bosnia | |
| CYPRUS | Annette Artani (Annette Stamatelatos) | Why Angels Cry |
 |
Comments: | Trying to copy Malta's sound from 2005 (and the title) but employing Finland's lyrics from 2005! Think Celion Dion singing a 1970s track. Ugh!. Trying to copy Israel's success of 2005 - Annette will employ her three greatest assets, all of which seem lower than Shiri's |
| place | 29th | |
| score | 57 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| SLOVENIA | Anej Dean | Mr. Nobody |
 |
Comments: | Sounds like The Omen at the start, then kicks up into a pre-processed dance routine. Very passable. Very Pop Idol presentation, lots of hamming up to camera and smiles. Blerg |
| place | 30th | |
| score | 49 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Bosnia-Herzegovina | |
| BULGARIA | Mariana Popova | Let Me Cry |
 |
Comments: | A slow, depressing power ballad with those darn Balkan drums and strings. Could not have been less interesting... and this after she basically has coitus in her video (whilst scratching some infection between her thighs). "Doug Parkinson's looking shocked"(Rod, on the very made-up backup singer) |
| place | 31st | |
| score | 36 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| ESTONIA | Sandra Oxenryd | Through my Window |
 |
Comments: | A lot like Shania Twain covering ABBA's 'Does Your Mother Know'. Better than 'Runaway', but no 'Once in a Lifetime.' Some very funny lines: 'What about the rain you cried on my pillow'/'Show you what I'm really like inside'. Sadder in reality. Sandra's white CFM-boots and blue, satin ABBA outfit were a huge miscalculation |
| place | 32nd | |
| score | 28 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Finland | |
| PORTUGAL | Nonstop | Coisas de nada Meaningless Things |
 |
Comments: | Remember the songs the Brady Bunch did as a variety show? Not to worry, you wont remember this track for long either. A camel toe (front bum cleavage) and the Barbara Dex Worst Fashion Award |
| place | 33rd | |
| score | 26 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Ukraine | |
| NETHERLANDS | Treble | Amambanda |
 |
Comments: | Sung in a nonsense language (with English chorus about how language is redundant) with Spanish strings & lots of drums. Treble's clearly ignored the fact that every ingredient has failed for five consecutive ESCs!. Repeat of national finals - sitting on drums trying to look like 2004 and 2005 never happened |
| place | 34th | |
| score | 22 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Turkey | |
| MONACO | Séverine Ferrer | La Coco-Dance |
 |
Comments: | Monaco continues its quick evolution from 1956 to today - ditching 50s ballads and going for a late 60s sex kitten styled pop ditty. Very Monaco - also very 'Agadoo doo doo'. |
| place | 35th | |
| score | 14 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Bosnia | |
| BELARUS | Polina Smolova | Mama |
 |
Comments: | Far too busy, loud and aggressive for what is basically a 'But Mum, I love him' tale. The reverse of Ukraine's Orange Revolution entry of last year, with the singer making lame excuses for having 're-elected' a dictator. /"Say me no more that he's a finished liar. I feel so safe, 'cause I know he's good."; "Yes, I need only him."; "Never tell me, Ma he is too dangerous". Basically the video & national final re-performed on stage. Very tacky - and a hint of camel toe! |
| place | 36th | |
| score | 10 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Russia | |
| ANDORRA | Jennifer | Sense tu |
 |
Comments: | Power ballad with a fair tempo - reminiscent of Melissa Etheridge. Better than last year but highly repetitive. Basically a fat chick surrounded by slappers in tight underwear - and that means front wedgies (camel toes) aplenty. "De-wedging an Andorran" (Rod, editor) |
| place | 37th | |
| score | 8 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Spain | |
| SERBIA-MONTENEGRO | No Name | Moja Ljubav |
 |
Comments: | Same stunt as last year - the popular vote and Serb judges gave top marks to Flamingosi's 'Ludi letnji ples' - but the Montenegrin judges gave it zero, thus ensuring Montenegro's'No Name' went to Eurovision two years on the trot. This time, the Serbs said either Flamingosi goes to Athens or they withdraw from ESC'06! |
| place | N/A | |
| score | N/A | |
| douze | 12 pts to Bosnia | |