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the revolution will not be televised
A predictable result with a mainstream pop-dance tune winning. Greece finally won its Eurovision, against some tepid competition. Never in the concourse have so many fought to take such nuff-nuff songs so far.
The voting system (with all 36 countries voting) could bore the pants off Paris Hilton (or someone who wears pants). Greece had it won with several nations to go. The only real contest in 2005 was spotting the number of countries apeing Serbia & Montenegro from 2004. Enough with the drums and ethnic instruments already!
| Tool of the Night | Pop Contests Will Eat Themselves | Crack up of the Night |
|---|---|---|
| Let's call it a five way tie between all Ukrainians hosting. From Pasha's ludicrous accent, Masha's screeching, Ruslana's stage hogging and those unforgettable, highlights of the show: the Klitchsko Brothers. "You thought you knew some famous Belgians. Yes, it’s the Klitchsko moment. Oh, this is great" (Wogan) |
Bosnia-Herzgovina's ESC 50th Birthday song almost to the tune of Stevie Wonder's 'Happy Birthday to Ya.' Like a dog returning to it's regurgitation: dropping the names of various winners, mimicking ABBA and plagarising Stevie Wonder. Is this what 50th Birthday parties are like? |
Moldova's Grandma (who beats the drum) was the show stealer. She looks 80 but is actually 52! Watch for every act in 2006 getting an elderly relative up on stage (perhaps with a drum, or playing a traditional instrument such as the underpant elastic). |
| Nil Pointe | Paris Hilton Encouragement Award | Fashion Faux Pas |
| Sooo close. Monaco and Moldova hang your heads in shame. Your four collective points to Germany must have been the result of televoting errors! Laura from Lithuania, who misses more notes than an AWB executive, got over four times Germany's score and goes down as dead last for 2005. Germany's 24th placing is purely due to it being a Big Four member. | Constantinos Christoforou (Cyprus) has undeniably the sluttiest performance and song of the night. A song about an orgasm; girls in pillow cases; he's playing with his rod and beating away on (oh god not more) drums. |
I hate to do it - but Selma, my love, it's you. Knickerbockers? And hooded tops? Heartbreaking stuff, we wanted Selma to do so well and one look at her stage act and you knew it was over. |
| ALBANIA | Ledina Çelo | Tomorrow I Go Nesër shkoj |
|---|---|---|
 | Comments: | Very folky, Turkish sounds behind a power ballad. Late change to the catchy chorus meant no 'titiya titiya' to sing along with. A disappointing and unnecessary change. Featured the luckiest drummer of the night - lying under most of the dancers. |
| place | 16 | |
| score | 53 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| ANDORRA | Marian van de Wal | La Mirada Interior |
 | Comments: | If Urban Trad did 'S.A.G.A.P.O' in Catalan it would sound a lot like this. Dressed up like Belarus but without the strip. Lots of large, black feathery fans - but no movement. |
| place | 37 | |
| score | FTQ (27) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Spain | |
| AUSTRIA | Global Kryner | Y así |
 | Comments: | 'Cat Empire' cuban sounds meet 50s polka: meets giggles from embarrassed audience. She was cute enough and in a nice traditional polka dress, but the lads seemed to come straight from the polka-gym without changing. |
| place | 35 | |
| score | FTQ (30) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Serbia-Montenegro | |
| BELARUS | Anzhelika Agurbash | Love Me Tonight |
 | Comments: | Anzhelika is Belarus' answer to Maria Carey (Tommy Mottola era). Very disco era sound - punctuated vocals on the bridge, bit of guitar and a big lead vocal on the studio version (which was not reproduced live). Anzhelika's dress in the video was so long and tight she could not move much - we suspected it was a cover for Gwen Stefani dance skills. Again the dancers were left to prance about and rip her cloak and big dress off. |
| place | 27 | |
| score | FTQ (67) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Russia | |
| BELGIUM | Nuno Resende | Le grand soir The big night |
 | Comments: | We suspect this was Tose Proeski (FYROM, 2004) sneaking back for another crack. Dreadfully dull act - we liked the suit, a lot! |
| place | 36 | |
| score | FTQ (29) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| BOSNIA | Feminnem | Zovi |
 | Comments: | Imagine ABBA singing the 'Do Run Run' - now try to erase it from your mind. An ESC 50th Birthday song almost to the tune of Stevie Wonder's 'Happy Birthday to Ya.' Gawd awful. |
| place | 14 | |
| score | 79 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Croatia | |
| BULGARIA | Kaffe | Lorrain |
 | Comments: | Booed off stage at Sofia. Bulgarians have taste. This somnambulistic boy band ballad was a dud amongst duds. "Lorraine in the rain", puhlease. |
| place | 33 | |
| score | FTQ (49) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| CROATIA | Boris Novkovic feat. Lado | Vukovi Umiru Sami |
 | Comments: | A dull ballad with some big bloke hitting large drums, some back-up singers who may or may not be mysterious or Bulgarian and those Balkan bagpipes. Boris looks like rigour mortis is setting in, while his drummer takes control of the stage doing handstands - shades of Pete from Neiokőső (Estonia, 2004) |
| place | 11 | |
| score | 115 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Serbia Montenegro | |
| CYPRUS | Constantinos Christoforou | Ela ela |
 | Comments: | A song about an orgasm, sounding like Tarkan composed it on an 80s Casio with Sakis Rouvas in mind for the lead singer, with backing vocals by Ofra Haza. Girls in pillow cases, he's playing with his rod and beating away on (oh god not more) drums. Out-right winner of Sluttiest Act of the Night by the EDU jury. |
| place | 18 | |
| score | 46 | |
| douze | 12 pts to ...Greece | |
| DENMARK | Jakob Sveistrup | Tćnder pĺ dig Talking to You |
 | Comments: | This was the clear winner of the Melbourne EDU jury vote. Starts off like Max from last year (Germany) and then goes very Tanel Padar & Dave Benton (Estonia, 2001). Shades of a 70s burlesque - very Brotherhood of Man - however a pink shirt and red shoes is still a more subdued costume than last year. |
| place | 9th (equal) | |
| score | 125 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Norway | |
| ESTONIA | Suntribe | Let's Get Loud |
 | Comments: | 80s throw back, girrrl power ditty reminiscent of Bangles, et al. BOMB. They can't sing live, the sound quality was dodgy and where'd the fifth member come from? Spice Girls in ugg boots and stonewash jeans. Yurk! |
| place | 34 | |
| score | FTQ (31) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Switzerland | |
| FINLAND | Geir Rönning | Why |
 | Comments: | Obviously the Lutheran Church in Finland yearns to be a black, American baptist church or even Hillsong. Big ballad, full of redemption issues and soooo American back-up singers. Pass. |
| place | 32 | |
| score | FTQ (50) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Norway | |
| FRANCE | Ortal | Chacun Pense ŕ Soi |
 | Comments: | On first listen this one is very repetitive and goes nowhere fast. Many listens later, we love it here at EDU - but Europe gets one listen only. Ortal just tends to walk across the stage and back. |
| place | 23 | |
| score | 11 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Turkey | |
| FYROM | Martin Vucic | Ti Si Son Make my Day |
 | Comments: | Martin doesn't like being compared to Robbie Williams (nor Robbie to him!) Welcome to the neighbourhood. Sings like Tose from last year, instrumentation sounds like Zeljko from last year and the verses sound like Sakis from last year. Addicted to other people's hooks, Tose dances like Sakis and heads off to beat some drums a la Ruslana. After dumping a girl so rudely in the lyrics it may not be the only thing he'll be beating. |
| place | 17 | |
| score | 52 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Albania | |
| GERMANY | Gracia | Run & Hide |
 | Comments: | Lots of girl-power wailing plodding alongside middle of the road 90s rock. Extremely like 'What's Going on?' by 4 Non-Blondes. Most noteable for a key change which managed to miss both keys. Wogan put it best: "Wasn't that awful everybody?" |
| place | 24 | |
| score | 4 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| GREECE | Elena Paparizou | My Number One |
 | Comments: | Middle of the road Greek pop: reasonably catchy but highly derivative. Basic dance routine, with imaginary cello using a dancer's elastic straps and Buster Berkley moves on the floor (creating a "1"). Not hot - but simple and professional. |
| place | 1 | |
| score | 230 | |
| douze | 12 pts to um...Cyprus! | |
| HUNGARY | NOX | Forogj Világ |
 | Comments: | Amid numerous Zejko and Urban Trad rip-offs this one is clearly the best of the crop. River-dancing so good it beat Ireland! Lead singer was very flat on Qualifying night, but the great stage show carried it through to the final. Much better singing in Final but again - going first is the Kiss of Death |
| place | 12 | |
| score | 97 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| ICELAND | Selma | If I Had Your Love |
 | Comments: | Sure, the song stank and the floorshow was dead average, but it's Selma! If Dame Judy Dench got an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love, then Selma deserved a place in the Grand Final for this. We blame the knickerbockers... Composed by Thorvaldur Bjarni Thorvaldsson (writer of All Out of Luck) this is a lesser work. A bit dull, not dancey enough and far too many Britney's 'Toxic' noises. |
| place | 30 | |
| score | FTQ (52) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Norway | |
| IRELAND | Donna & Joseph McCaul | Love? |
 | Comments: | Plays like a poor Baltic attempt, machine gun delivery of dross lyrics and surprise Spanish guitar and Balkan strings. The backups river-danced until Joseph shoved them out of the way. |
| place | 28th | |
| score | FTQ (53) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Latvia | |
| ISRAEL | Shiri Maymon | Hasheket Shenish'ar The Silence That Remained |
 | Comments: | Shiri highlights her three great assets - one of which is her singing voice. One of the best gowns of the night - trains are so hot right now. Imagine, if you will, Delta Goodrem covering a Chicago ballad in Hebrew. |
| place | 4 | |
| score | 154 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Romania | |
| LATVIA | Valters & Kaža (Putnu Balles) | The War is Not Over |
 | Comments: | A very pleasant male duo who sort of sound like Simon & Garfunkel doing a boy-band ballad. Anti-war message and nice composition got it to the Grand Final despite the bum notes in the Qualifier. The use of sign language obviously pulled in votes from the many millions of deaf Eurovision Song Contest fans. |
| place | 5 | |
| score | 150 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Switzerland | |
| LITHUANIA | Laura and the Lovers | Little by little |
 | Comments: | Take the L and the S out of Lovers and its Over. Strangely familiar, 80s styled pop song sung by someone who can't sing. Why do nations allow performers to lip sync at their finals? This was embarrassing. The song is good, but the live show was terrible. Dead last for 2005! |
| place | 39 | |
| score | FTQ (17) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Latvia | |
| MALTA | Chiara | Angel |
 | Comments: | Always the bridesmaid. Chiara delivered the song perfectly and has a great voice - but there was no attempt to move and no back up singers. Imagine if strapping lads had torn off her pink sequined dress to reveal a fur bikini! 1st place guaranteed! |
| place | 2 | |
| score | 192 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Cyprus | |
| MOLDOVA | Zdob si Zdub | Bunica bate toba Grandma beats the Drum |
 | Comments: | Red Hot Chilli Pepper lookalike band with lots of energy. Cuban-flavoured ska number - a pleasant surprise from dark horse Moldova. The Skamp of 2005 - indie pearls before Euro-swine. But the show stealer is Grandma actually beating the drum and dancing with the band. She looks 80 but is actually 52! |
| place | 6 | |
| score | 148
| |
| douze | 12 pts to Latvia | |
| MONACO | Lise Darly | Tout de moi All of me |
 | Comments: | Slow, French, strings, horns. A tribute to Monaco's first entrant possibly: certainly not 21st century popular music. Colourful gown with the obligatory train. Lise is very good at standing and singing (like the Netherlands). |
| place | 38 | |
| score | FTQ (22) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Israel | |
| NETHERLANDS | Glennis Grace | My impossible dream |
 | Comments: | Very 80s, very Whitney Houston. A power ballad in low gear, complete with guitar wank and Pop Idol warble before the obligatory key change. Some cleavage, some screaming - but not a lot else going on. Probably unlucky to miss out - one of the few great singers in the Qualifier. |
| place | 29 | |
| score | FTQ (53) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Turkey | |
| NORWAY | Wig Wam | In My Dreams |
 | Comments: | "Cmon! Cmon! Cmon!" A Bon-Jovi joke gone too far. ESC structure to a tee. Black humourists will love it (a la Alf or Guido) but Eastern Europe is a sucker for glam-rock Picture says it all. A pastiche of hard-rock impersonations; from the Darkness and Marilyn Manson through Edge from U2 and doses of Kiss, Village People, Poison and Motley Crue. Hilarious, infectious - orange scarves don't hurt in Kyiv either! "Rock n Roll Revolution!!" |
| place | 9th (equal) | |
| score | 125 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Denmark | |
| POLAND | Ivan & Delfin | Czarna Dziewczyna The blackhaired girl |
 | Comments: | Described as up-tempo and catchy with Gipsy elements, it is sung in Polish and Ukrainian. Zeljko Joksimovic & Urban Trad should have copyrighted. Actually the word "Li" repeated ad nauseum. Lots of flamenco skirts and mock bull-fighter outfits on display - full of colour and silk (and the leader singer's male nipples) but signifying nothing. |
| place | 25 | |
| score | FTQ (81) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Ukraine | |
| PORTUGAL | 2B | Amar |
 | Comments: | Repetitive and not very interesting: sounds more like a tourist promotion jingle. "Every pretty way, every shiny day."
A gawd-awful outfit from Luciana who missed most notes*. Rui was MIA - you couldn't hear him at all and he was dressed in black on a black stage. * EDU members actually stumbled upon the Lisbon store which provided Luciana her outift! |
| place | 31 | |
| score | FTQ (51) | |
| douze | 12 pts to Romania | |
| ROMANIA | Luminita Anghel & Sistem | Let Me Try |
 | Comments: | Sistem appears to be a drumming group who play kettle drums and rubbish tins…a bit of Tap Dogs, drums strapped to their feet and angle-grinders sending sparks everywhere. We were amazed with its success - although Roberta (an EDU associate) called this very early as the dark horse. |
| place | 3 | |
| score | 158 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Moldova | |
| RUSSIA | Natalia Podolskaya | Nobody Hurt No One |
 | Comments: | Looked a bit like Alison Hannigan enacting a tale from band camp. From the Avril and Hilary Duff school of pop: a doubly negative appeal for not hurting no one no more. |
| place | 15 | |
| score | 57 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Malta | |
| SERBIA | No Name | Zauvijek Moja |
 | Comments: | All the instruments used by Zeljko last year, but a bland mess results. Good moves. Lots of air violin (the 2005 hook) watch next year, everyone will be doing it. |
| place | 7 | |
| score | 137 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| SLOVENIA | Omar Naber | Stop |
 | Comments: | The stage is too large - which overwhelmed several acts. Omar had his one back-up singer perched half a kilometre away on a podium for most of the song. Very dull, very isolated looking performer. Where were the skanky ballet dancers from the video? Quite simple piece concentrating on the male vocalist doing his low-powered, power ballad. The best Slovenian entry since Sestre (that's not saying much though, is it?) |
| place | 26 | |
| score | FTQ (69)
| |
| douze | 12 pts to Croatia | |
| SPAIN | Son de Sol | Brujería |
 | Comments: | A Ketchup cover! Bikinis and flamenco skirts plus three huge blokes in black rapping for all the wrong reasons. Truly woeful but still the best finisher of the Big Four. |
| place | 21 | |
| score | 28 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Romania | |
| SWEDEN | Martin Stenmarck | Las Vegas |
 | Comments: | The good news: Its not an ABBA wannabe. The bad news: Its an Elvis wannabe. Highlight was the girls in 60s racing jumpsuits. |
| place | 19th (equal) | |
| score | 30 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| SWITZERLAND | Vanilla Ninjas | Cool Vibes |
 | Comments: | Very Bond in sound, with Orff-esque beginning diminishing into soft-rock, repetitive nonsence. How exactly would cool vibes kill someone? Cruel vibes on a video tape - sure... |
| place | 8 | |
| score | 128 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Serbia Montenegro | |
| TURKEY | Gülseren | Rimi rimi ley |
 | Comments: | Turkey goes Bollywood! Some very Hindi, pop elements in here, but otherwise its dull and repetitive. Full on traditional Balkan look to costumes and drums. Yes, drums. Lots of them. The addiction to last year's hook strikes again. |
| place | 13 | |
| score | 92 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| UK | Javine (Javine Hylton) | Touch My Fire |
 | Comments: | Blatant Tarkan/Sertab rip-off, devoid of pace, melody or talent. The lesson from 2004 was slutty is unappealing. The lesson went over the UK's head. |
| place | 22 | |
| score | 18 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Greece | |
| UKRAINE | Greenjolly | Razom Nas Bogato Together we are Many |
 | Comments: | "Rise on Nosferatu. Pour another latte" A pro-Yushenko hip hop track! Da posse reprezented on stage. Rock band with lead vocalist stomping about a little. Nice touch was the hand-cuffed dancers breaking free from their shackles at the climax. |
| place | 19th (equal) | |
| score | 30 | |
| douze | 12 pts to Moldova | |