Joke of the Night	Tool of the Night	Crack up of the Night
SLOVENIA - had the final votes of the night. Anyone of Russia, Turkey or Belgium could win. The tension was massive. Peter held up the votes to camera and said 'I know you're anxious to have the votes, so here I go. BYE!' [Walks off camera] Priceless for the visual gag alone, but Marie N. went tropo! Peter reappeared smuggly and said 'Lets be serious' to which Renars replied 'Let's try at least.' I want Peter reading the last votes every year.	Goes to Anna from BOSNIA. Poor thing was clearly nervous and not comfortable in English (so why did they picked her?). But she gave 5 votes to Croatia and then 7 to "err, Romania...I think... yeah 7 points" Marie: 'but six points Anna?' Anna: I think I make a little mistake. Croatia 6 points, Austria 5 points Marie: I'm sorry we have to start at the beginning. Anna: OK. A big hello from Sarajevo.	RUSSIA. "We have a jury. But you can trust us." If it wasnt the week after nations with juries were named as rigging last year's results, it would still be hilarious. That it was coming from Latvia's former occupier and that the Latvians were undermining everything Russian made it drip deliciously with irony.
Bitch of the Night	Peace, Love & Mung Bean Moment	Ethnic Cleansing Moment
Katice from SWEDEN. The host from 2000, was spotted by Marie who reminded everyone. "And you're doing a great job. Really." Would you like some sincerity with that? Rrrrrrooooorwwww, pussycats.	CYPRUS who we know always gives 12 points to Greece. But this year they also gave 8 to Turkey, prefaced with the lovely comment: "Peace to Cyprus" ESC can be a real thermometer of a situation between nations and this moment inspired. Turkey, Greece and Cyprus are inching towards some reconciliation and it was reflected in a song contest. Sublime or trite. I dont know, but I got a lump in my throat.	Boos from the LATVIAN audience every time Russia got votes, boos when tATu came on stage, the very poor lighting and camera work for tATu and the 'highlight' for the recap was the girls running to the back of the stage (where the lights were not on as they should have been) and Elena signing out of key as she kneed down. I also got really uneasy about the situation in Latvia - if the huge Russian minority are treated the way the Latvian TV execs and mates treated anything Russian on the night, then trouble must be brewing.

Iceland	Birgitta Haukdal	Open Your Heart
	Music:	One of the best tracks for sure. Lilting melody with subtle blend of production and strings. Very catchy after a few listens - pity the public only gets one crack on the night. A Eurovision in Reykjavik would have been so cool!
	Presentation:	Polished, exciting performance full of confidence. You can tell she performs live a LOT. Of note, the first all-white act.
	Comments:	"a pert lovely favouring the tight pant - which is such a welcome feature here in Riga" (Wogan)
Score: 81	Douze Point:	Norway
Place: 8	Neighbourhood Watch:	7 from Sweden, 12 from Norway (+ backstratch)
Austria	Alf Poier	Weil der Mensch zählt (Man is the Measure of all Things)
	Music:	As Wogan would say "more than just a sniff of a send up of all Eurosong cliches" here. A bizarre novelty song - casio organ, staccato delivery punctuated with hard rock guitar. We now have exact figures on how many people watch ESC for a laugh - coz Alf pulled a lot of votes!
	Presentation:	The piss was successfully taken out of ESC, and everyone loved it. Best laugh of the last decade.
	Comments:	"Every contest has to have an eejit" (Wogan)
Score: 101	Douze Point:	Turkey
Place: 5	Neighbourhood Watch:
Ireland	Mickey Joe Harte	We've Got The World Tonight
	Music:	The pregnant pause between verse and chorus is extremely like Fly on the Wings... the rest is like Peter Cetera doing slow reggae. [shudder]
	Presentation:	Mickey-love hid stiffly behind his green guitar prop - maybe he'd checked out his back-up singers.
	Comments:
Score: 53	Douze Point:	Norway
Place: 11	Neighbourhood Watch:	12 from UK
Turkey	Sertab Erener	Every Way That I Can
	Music:	If it wasnt written by the author of 'Kiss' you'd expect legal action. Very similar and thus very likeable... a pity for the girls of Neighbours that Sertab has already done the girly English language version of this one.
	Presentation:	The dance routine was infectious - we had 20 people belly-dancing at our party. But the sound was strangely flat - and we know Sertab can sing… suspiciously bad production (part 1)
	Comments:
Score: 167	Douze Point:	Bosnia
Place: 1	Neighbourhood Watch:	10 from Germany, 12 from Austria (large Turkish populations)
Malta	Lynn Chircop	To dream again
	Music:	Lynn's scored a record deal before the Big Night - which really makes you wonder. This is the weakest Maltese entrant in a while. They could taste victory last year and just thought they'd show up and get a sympathy gong.
	Presentation:	A lovely stroll across the stage with lots of smiles. I thought this one would suck in the Mums and Dads, but not so. Apparently Lynn saved her best performance for the flight back to Malta where she ripped into the Maltese producer. Oh, and if she's 22, so is Geri Halliwell.
	Comments:	If you like Celine Dion, you'll like Lynn
Score: 4	Douze Point:	Iceland
Place: 25	Neighbourhood Watch:
Bosnia	Mija Martina	Ne Brini (Could it be)
	Music:	Its either Bosnia or FYROM who blow you away with some great track. Its in my top five - one of the best dance tracks of the night.
	Presentation:	Mija and her mum sent a nasty note to Riga's producers complaining about the lighting. Here's a tip - don't wear all black and dye your hair black if you actually want to be seen.
	Comments:	"Black is the new black in Bosnia and Herzegovina. And I think Tom Jones and the writers of 'SexBomb' could probably sue here" (Wogan)
Score: 27	Douze Point:	Turkey
Place: 16	Neighbourhood Watch:	8 fr Croatia
Portugal	Rita Guerra	Deixa-me sonhar (Keep the Dream Alive)
	Music:	If you cant find this one online, just download the ballad Cher and Eros Ramazotti recorded together and imagine Cher singing the first half in Portugeuse and the for the second half just put on Maria Carey's 'When a Hero Comes Along'.
	Presentation:	A life size Shakira doll - which is both a compliment and a complaint.
	Comments:	If you like Shakira and Cher, you'll like Rita
Score: 13	Douze Point:	Spain
Place: 22	Neighbourhood Watch:
Croatia	Claudia Beni	Vise nisam tvoja
	Music:	The Balkan Britney sings of fighting the moonlight. Pass the Pepsi.
	Presentation:	Although skimpy clothing is de rigeur, a bikini is NOT appropriate Eurovision wear -especially when Mum has sewn a circle of cardboard to your left boob.
	Comments:	"The legs have it…resist the urge to shout 'they're behind you' this is not a pantomime" (Wogan)
Score: 29	Douze Point:	Russia
Place: 15	Neighbourhood Watch:	6 fr Bosnia, 8 fr Slovenia
Cyprus	Stelios Konstantas	Feeling Alive
	Music:	Spanish inspired ditty reminiscent of last year's Austrian entry: in that it consists of about 7 words, most predominant 'feel' 'alive' and 'feeling.'
	Presentation:	Second act to wear all-white.
	Comments:	If you like Enrique, you'll like Stelios.
Score: 15	Douze Point:	Greece
Place: 20	Neighbourhood Watch:	12 fr Greece (+ backstratch)
Germany	Lou	Let's Get Happy
	Music:	Its Queer Moomba: 'Lets get happy, and lets be gay.' Its like Weather Girls meets Bananarama.
	Presentation:	The over-the-top backup singers, woman in man's clothes, a gay anthem for the 1990s - pity 30 of these have been done since then.
	Comments:	"A fine mouthful of teeth…a traditional Eurovision song" (Wogan). Peter Hellier (Rove Live) suggested if you crossed Pauline Hanson and Pink and got Hi-5 to do back-up you'd have Germany's act.
Score: 53	Douze Point:	Poland
Place: 11	Neighbourhood Watch:
Russia	t.A.T.u.	Ne Ver', Ne Boisya (Don't Trust, Don't Fear)
	Music:	This song is brash, dull and in Russian. But the public was manipulated into a frenzy over the top-selling group who act like lesbians - but just held hands on the night.
	Presentation:	Cameras didn't follow them, the lighting seemed to avoid them and their stuff up appeared in the recap as their 'highlight' before the voting. Suss production (part 2) and a major indicator of the trouble between ethnic Russians and Latvians in Latvia.
	Comments:	The industrial techno was stripped right back to not offend the grannies - they sounded more like Gary Numan than tATu.
Score: 164	Douze Point:	Romania
Place: 3	Neighbourhood Watch:	10 fr Israel, 12 fr Latvia (both have big Russian pop) and 12 fr Ukraine
Spain	Beth	Dime
	Music:	Sans tATu this was the bookie's favourite and you can see why. Instantly likeable, nice mix of non-threatening techno and flamenco.
	Presentation:	Performance was great - just the production was again flat, with the sound quite echoey (Part 3 to our suspicions?)
	Comments:	"Kylie in dreadlocks really…note the particularly butch walloopers dressing the act in the background" (Wogan)
Score: 81	Douze Point:	Belgium
Place: 8	Neighbourhood Watch:	12 fr Portugal
Israel	Lior Narkis	Words for love
	Music:	Its a cheesy Polka - maybe with shades of Grease and Brotherhood of Man. He's gunning for the grey vote and Eastern Europeans offended by Ruffus' attack on their clothes.
	Presentation:	Lior choreographed this. I mean he must have. All the girls stroke him, snuggle up, strip off and rub a bit more. I know he has the DVD of tonight on his shelf.
	Comments:	"The chemises being thrown recklessly aside" (Wogan) The Hills Angels from Benny Hill (Des Mangan)
Score: 17	Douze Point:	Spain
Place: 19	Neighbourhood Watch:
Netherlands	Esther Hart	One more night
	Music:	Its got no heart, very little hook, its so saccharine it cannot offend - its SO Eurovision.
	Presentation:	Now Esther can do the laced up front and look good (see Mando!). A great performance full of energy and bubbling with confidence. Where'd the votes go??
	Comments:	If you like Anastacia, you'll like Ester.
Score: 45	Douze Point:	Turkey
Place: 13	Neighbourhood Watch:
U.K.	Jemini	Cry baby
	Music:	It sounds like an ingenious blend of the entries by Stelios and Fame - but with the notable exception of Gemma missing the bulk of the keys. UK's first nil pointe ever. Their name will live forever in trivia questions.
	Presentation:	He came in his street clothes, she came in a glittery red napkin. They came last. Forget the Iraqi backlash theories - the song & act stank.
	Comments:	"Lets see who votes for us. Lets see who our friends are" (a lonely Wogan)
Score: 0	Douze Point:	Ireland
Place: 26	Neighbourhood Watch:
Ukraine	Olexandr Ponomaryov	Hasta la vista
	Music:	I wanna do a ballad like Andreas Bocelli, but the song writer does dance numbers and the audience seems to like Country and Western inspired stuff. Lets do all three!
	Presentation:	The contortionist's crotch was a distraction throughout most of the performance - being next to her head and all. Great safari suit statement.
	Comments:
Score: 30	Douze Point:	Russia
Place: 14	Neighbourhood Watch:
Greece	Mando	Never Let You Go
	Music:	Shades of Kate Bush's Babooshka (the slow bit) add some imagery from Antique ('I'd die for you' is actually one of the lines!) and finish it with a Maria Carey squeal. In an off-year it might do well, but this year is a tough competition. Take away the 12 points from Cyprus and got the same score as the other Maria of the night (Rita Guerra).
	Presentation:	Tres tack. The trussed up who' look was memorable..
	Comments:	"If you had a pair of handcuffs and a whip they're very welcome here" (Wogan)
Score: 25	Douze Point:	Cyprus
Place: 17	Neighbourhood Watch:	12 fr Cyprus (+ backstratch)
Norway	Jostein Hasselgård	I'm Not Afraid To Move On
	Music:	The Carpenters meet Richard Marx. Here comes the grey vote.
	Presentation:	Give the people what they want. Too many fast songs, they start to sound the same & divide the votes. Give 'em the ballad they want.
	Comments:	"No one's ever won this contest just sitting at a piano" (Wogan)
Score: 123	Douze Point:	Iceland
Place: 4	Neighbourhood Watch:	12 fr Iceland (+ backstratch), 12 fr Sweden
France	Louisa Bailèche	Monts Et Merveilles
	Music:	Really interesting song - so it was damned at Eurovision. You can hear Louisa's Berber roots in the background. Their best entry since Sofia Mestari - but suspicous sound problems... hmmm (pt 4?) Send Gerald De Palmas or Genie Line in 2004. I want to see Paris host this thing.
	Presentation:	Louisa made a big head move and her hair fell over her face, distracting us all. Points lost for want of hairspray.
	Comments:
Score: 19	Douze Point:	Belgium
Place: 18	Neighbourhood Watch:
Poland	Ich Troje	Zadnych Granic
	Music:	So dull. The very excellent Whoops Dragovic site put it best by saying Poland had wee'ed on itself in 2003 by not sending Blue Cafe's 'You May Be in Love.' Too right.
	Presentation:	Possibly the worst suit ever - certainly of the night. Awful outfits - matched the song really.
	Comments:
Score: 90	Douze Point:	Belgium
Place: 7	Neighbourhood Watch:
Latvia	FLY (Martinsh Freimanis, Lauris Reiniks & Yana Kay)	Hello From Mars
	Music:	Less lame than last year's Latvia entry. On top of that, the audience was nearly totally Latvian TV execs and their kids, so this was the only song that got properly cheered apart from Austria. It should be mid-field on quality, but Latvia copped a backlash this year.
	Presentation:	The easiest way to triple Latvia's votes would be to get Martinish and Lauris to be back-up singers in the shadows and leave Yana in the spotlight. The first WOW girl of the night - third act to wear all white.
	Comments:	"This is like a huge ad for washing powder" (Wogan) If you liked Sahlene's dress from last year, or the end of Karolina's act - you'll like Yanna.
Score: 5	Douze Point:	Russia
Place: 24	Neighbourhood Watch:
Belgium	Urban Trad	Sanomi
	Music:	Clera somta geria roffo hidi blala lala bronha (review in an imaginery language, play Enya while you read this). So so to me. More so to others.
	Presentation:	Second WOW girl of the night - Urban Trad must be so glad the understudy looks like this! Otherwise, just a bunch of folk singers standing on a stage singing in Bronha (my imaginary name for their imaginary language).
	Comments:	"They've got four languages in Belgium and they're signing in an imaginary one. The essence of Eurovision" (Wogan)
Score: 165	Douze Point:	Turkey
Place: 2	Neighbourhood Watch:	10 fr Netherlands, 12 fr France
Estonia	Ruffus	Eighties coming back
	Music:	The 80s are coming back in Eastern Europe? Seriously, they ended? Not Eurovision material, but Gen Xers would go see them at a pub.
	Presentation:	Confusing. Are they against the 80s coming back?? So why dress in 80s gear? Are they for it, then? A mystery - wrapped in a stripey shirt.
	Comments:
Score: 14	Douze Point:	Russia
Place: 21	Neighbourhood Watch:
Romania	Nicola	Don't Break My Heart
	Music:	This is the sort of thing tATu should have done - it’s a great track - though Nicola could do with a non-American speech coach for a period. After last year, Romania could expect reprisals from Malta and a few other nations… but Nicola still got to 10th. A great result.
	Presentation:	A spectacular stage performance covering arts funding, the evolution of music, nationalism and racism in Romania. Pity Nicola just stood there looking baggy in a David Byrne style red suit.
	Comments:	"She's gonna try and make herself seen and heard over dancers who are trying to upstage her" (Wogan)
Score: 80	Douze Point:	Sweden
Place: 10	Neighbourhood Watch:	12 fr Russia
Sweden	Fame	Give me your love
	Music:	Do Benny and Bjorn get royalties from each Melodifestivalen winner? Its getting beyond a joke... I still laugh though. Another predictable, soulless, ABBA-inspired trip down Sweden's only musical road.
	Presentation:	If we're over the ABBA sound from Sweden, we are SO over all-white clothing. These guys make the Osmonds look raunchy and sound contemporary.
	Comments:	"That went very big in the hall…but keep in mind they've had a lot of drinks since the start" (Wogan)
Score: 100	Douze Point:	Norway
Place: 6	Neighbourhood Watch:
Slovenia	Karmen Stavec	Nanana
	Music:	Ruffus stands corrected - its the 70s coming back. Or maybe the 60s. Would you believe 50s doo-wop songs that even your Mum would think are nice? She waited so long and fought so hard to get to Eurovision - at least Slovenia isnt relegated.
	Presentation:	I think is Alf Poier decided to do a 50'sesque number in hot pink, he may have got away with it. Karmen looked too much like a caricature of a Cupee doll.
	Comments:
Score: 7	Douze Point:	Russia
Place: 23	Neighbourhood Watch: